


Things I didn’t get to say

by socopotactico



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Romance, rupaul’s Drag race season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socopotactico/pseuds/socopotactico
Summary: Jackie has a boyfriend and Jan would never want to ruin their relationship, but there are just some feelings that the two queens can’t fight forever.
Relationships: Jan Sport/Jackie Cox
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Things I didn’t get to say

**Author's Note:**

> I used she/her pronouns but the queens are out of drag throughout the whole story.

“It’s been almost a month, I should be over it by now,” Jan confessed to her friends around brunch at her apartment.

The filming for drag race was over and everyone was back to their hometowns. The girls were getting back to their normal lives; performing a few nights a week and trying to make enough money to pay rent because not everyone won challenges throughout the season. 

“It’s okay, take your time. One day you’ll forget all about it.” Brita replies trying to comfort her friend in all the wrong ways.

“But I don’t want to forget! I want to go back and do better somehow.” Jan answered stirring her coffee which she had barely took a sip of. She wasn’t taking her elimination very well, even though she should have moved on.

She was convinced that she would go all the way and was having a hard time acknowledging that she had, in fact, been eliminated. She managed to forget about it for a while but seeing her friends from New York with whom she got to share the experience brought up some feelings she’d have rather kept buried.

“You should be proud of yourself, just like all of us are proud of you.” Nicky placed one hand on poor Jan’s shoulder.

“I know but had I just tried a little harder to win this lip-sync, I might have made the top four!” Jan let out a frustrated sigh. She always wanted to be on drag race and excepted nothing more from it than to be the best experience of her life, but only thinking about it makes her heart break, not only for her but for her fans. 

She’s scared of disappointing them the most, not seeing that in the eyes of her fans, she’s a winner no matter what. She didn’t believe it when her parents said they were still proud of her. No matter how many times her friends tried to tell her that by just getting on drag race she had already made her mark, she didn’t listen. 

“You can’t change the outcome of the competition no matter how much you beat yourself over it, and I hate to see you like this,” Jackie said brushing Jan’s hand under the table. 

“Thanks, guys,” Jan said with a weak smile, looking back and forth at her three New York City sisters.

Neither of them answered but their heartfelt smiles made Jan feel better, filling the room with a comforting silence.

“Well that was fun, always great catching up with you, girls,” Nicky said as she left the small apartment quickly followed by Brita who said her goodbyes through a tight hug.

“I know you don’t see it yet, but you made New York proud,” Brita whispered to her friend.

“Thanks, Brita. It means a lot.” Jan replied.

“That’s what friends are for. We got to have each other’s back.” Brita left, waving her goodbye and slamming the door behind her.

Jan was relieved that the brunch was over. She didn’t expect it to be emotional but her feelings had other plans. 

Jackie volunteered to help Jan with the dishes and since the younger queen never turned down help, she let Jackie stay.

Jan enjoyed Jackie’s presence more than she’d let herself admit. For years she’d only seen the Persian queen as a friend, never thinking their relationship could go further than a few drinks on a Friday night. They both worked in the same bars but their relationship never blossomed into anything more than being “work friends”. 

Until they both got on drag race. Being in a stressful environment affected Jan the most, and though she was closest to Brita out of all the girls, when her best friend left, she turned to Jackie for comfort.

They got a lot closer during Jan’s last few days in the competition. Jackie would never admit it, but she was really sad to see Jan leaving so early in the competition. It was hard on Jackie to see both of her friends from home leaving one after the other, but it lit a fire inside of her to focus on nothing but winning. If not for her, than to represent her city.

It wasn’t as fun to compete without her friends but Jackie kept in mind that after the competition, she could see Jan again. And the others too, she didn’t care about Jan more than anyone else. Or at least that’s what she tried to make herself believe.

“Are you excited for the show to air?” Jackie asked, breaking the silence.

“I guess so, I’m just a bit scared of how people are going to react to my elimination,” Jan answered, trying to balance two cocktail glasses in the already full dishwasher.

“They’re gonna love you! It’s impossible not to.” Jackie told the other queen who was still trying to fit more plates in the dishwasher. 

“You know that there’s a limit to how many plates you can add if you want them to actually come out of there clean?” Jackie said grabbing one of the dirty plates from her friend’s hand and putting back on the table with the other dirty dishes.

“There’s just so much left, I’ll never be able to fit all of those at once.” Jan sighed glancing at the dinner table to see all that was left.

“Then take some out and we’ll split everything in two cycles? If you don’t mind me staying.” Jackie asked in hopes to be with Jan a bit longer.

“No, of course not! You can stay as long as you want!” Jan replied quickly. She would never kick Jackie out of her apartment, secretly because she never wanted her away.

“Can you make more coffee? It looks like we’ll be here quite a long time.” Jackie asked, smiling foolishly. Her affection for the other queen was radiating through the room. Anyone could have noticed. Anyone but Jan apparently. Too blinded by her own feelings to see what’s right in front of her. 

Jan nodded, trying to hide the smile that was fighting to come to the surface, but she couldn’t let it. Because she didn’t want Jackie to think any less of her, she didn’t want to risk ruining their friendship. Because that’s what it was, platonic friendship. Nothing more.

As Jan carried two mugs to the living room where the two queens had decided to settle down, Jackie sat down on the couch, leaving enough room for Jan to sit beside her and make herself comfortable.

They sipped on the warm beverage as the dishwasher was finishing its first cycle. There was some kind of spark when it was just the two of them, they didn’t need to say anything to avoid an awkward silence, they were comfortable in each other’s presence.

“Can we talk about ... you know what?” Jackie asked. They had both been avoiding this conversation for way too long, perhaps it was inevitable, but every second they got to live in doubt was better than knowing a possibly hurtful truth.

“What is there to talk about? Nothing happened.” Jan tried to deny again, just like she’s been doing ever since they got back from drag race.

The same way she had been avoiding all of Jackie’s calls and blaming it on her internet connection or very busy schedule. She didn’t want to talk about what had happened. Things she said, or things she couldn’t say.

-

It was the last day of filming, right after Jan’s elimination. Jackie snuck out of her hotel room to meet Jan in some dark sketchy hallway behind the hotel to give her friend one last goodbye. One she didn’t get to say, convinced that Jan wouldn’t have been the one to sashay away. 

“Why does it have to end like this?” Jan asked through her tears. Her eyes shined like starlight, brighter than any stars upon them. 

“It’s not the end, Jan. You’re just getting started! Your career is just begging, you have so much more to you than being on drag race.” Jackie tried to comfort her friend. She would give anything just to see the other queen smile, even just a half-smile, or a fake smile, because the way Jan’s face lit up whenever she smiled made Jackie feel something that she couldn’t explain.

“You don’t get it. I’m just supposed to walk away and accept my fate? That’s so unlike me, I should have done better in that lip-sync.” Jan kept beating herself over all the things she could have done better since arriving at the competition. She was never one to hide her feelings, but most of the time, they were happy feelings. She was pretty bad at handling sadness and sometimes it made her act up. 

“You did the best you could and I’m sure the fans will see that.” Jackie took Jan’s hand in hers, kindly looking into her eyes.

Jan’s heart was palpitating from the crying, but she swore it was beating faster and faster the more she stared in Jackie’s dark brown eyes. She saw something she had never seen before, it was comforting, heartwarming and she could easily get lost in their beauty. 

Beauty wasn’t even a fair word to describe Jackie. It was way past that point. When she ran her fingers through her short black hair, never breaking eye contact, smiling softly, Jan couldn’t deny it anymore. She liked Jackie. She liked her way more than friends should like each other.

“I’ll have to head back to my room, I really don’t wanna get caught breaking the rules,” Jackie said, but it’s not like her feet could carry her out of this situation. She was hypnotized in the eyes of the fellow queen. Neither of them had planned on breaking this connection any time soon.

The butterflies in Jackie’s stomach intensified whenever she was with Jan and it all started to make sense. There was more to it than friendship, but Jackie had a boyfriend back home and Jan knew that. 

That was the only thing holding back the younger girl from confessing whatever these feelings were to Jackie. She couldn’t do that to them, but she wanted so badly. Jackie might have been mad at her for making a move, but what if she wasn’t? Jan thought to herself.

Jackie was telling Jan the other day about how she felt her relationship with her current boyfriend wasn’t the way it once was. She said it herself; they had lost “the spark”, but Jan could feel that spark with Jackie. Maybe Jackie didn’t see that, but Jan swore it was there.

She tried to explain clearly how she felt, but the words wouldn’t come out of her mouth. So instead she placed her hands on Jackie’s cheeks, taking a step closer, waiting for a sign from the other queen if she wanted to protest. 

Jackie stayed silent, partly because she was shocked to see Jan be so confident and straightforward, but mostly because she didn’t want her to think in any way she didn’t want this. 

Jan closed the gap between them, pressing a soft kiss on the other girl’s lips, testing the waters. Jackie didn’t hesitate to kiss her back, giving it every last bit of passion she had in her in those few seconds that seemed to last forever. 

Jan was lost for words. She couldn’t find the right thing to say to explain why she did what she did. It just seemed like the right thing to do, but she wasn’t ready to face the consequences of her impulsive decisions. She would rather leave the competition disappointed in herself than heartbroken, so that’s why she didn’t give Jackie any time to reply before saying her goodbyes and walking away. 

Jackie could have tried to hold her back, run after her and try to get an explanation, but in times like this, the best thing to do is give it time.

-

But it had been weeks, four weeks to be exact, and she was tired of waiting. 

“You kisses me, Jan! You can’t pretend that nothing happened!” Jackie raised her voice.

“Yes! I did kiss you. What now?” Jan got up from the couch, looking down at her friends through the tears forming slowly in her eyes, but she couldn’t quite figure out what they were for. “You have a boyfriend, I am not going to chase after you like some kind of freak!” 

“I broke up with him.” Jackie got up to meet Jan’s eyes. “I couldn’t pretend to still love him when you’re the only one on my mind!” 

And just like that, the cat was out of the bag! Jackie couldn’t go back to pretending anymore, the truth was told and her feelings were on display for Jan to decide their fate. 

“You, umm.. You did that for me?” Jan asked surprised. She couldn’t wrap her mind around Jackie’s last statement. It was too good to be true. 

“But of course I did that for you. You make me feel some way that I haven’t felt in a really long time. I can’t ignore that.” Jackie doesn’t like to show emotions, but she didn’t hold back the tears threatening to come out, because she didn’t care if Jan saw her cry. To be around Jan is like being in a therapist’s office; she’ll never judge you and you’ll leave feeling much better. 

“I’m sorry for running away that night after the show. I wanted to explain everything but I didn’t know how.” Jan said. 

“The past is in the past, and I’d much rather focus on the future.” Jackie smiled, catching the other queen’s attention. 

“And what do you see in that said future?” Jan moved closer as she already knew the answer to her question.

“I guess you’ll have to stick around to find out,” Jackie answered with a smirk, grabbing Jan’s waist and tilting her head.

“You, fucking tease.” Jan rolled her eyes but kissed Jackie regardless. She had missed this so much in the past few weeks that nothing else mattered.

Both of them knew that this was just the begging of a long journey, but why get so worked up about the future when the present is already a dream come true? 


End file.
